Sunday, April 26, 2009

Mean people really DO suck........

Well friends, life on and around the ranch is getting difficult. It seems that there are those who would have the Van Goat Ranch go away, disappear, be done away with - you get the idea. Of course, as far as I'm concerned, "those" can just suck it . The Van Goat Ranch doesn't plan on going anywhere. Things are complicated though. Ya see, the Van Goat Ranch while not being located in the city - we're in the county all right - is on a street where the houses are close enough together that some might call it a subdivision. It consists of two streets running parallel to each other and this apparently to some this amounts to the same thing as a residential area. To some of us who live here, it consists of the redneck fucking ghetto. This is the kind of place where the cops are frequently here - last week they were here 3 times - and when the cops show up in this neighborhood, they send 4 or 5 cars - not just 1 or 2. These last three times were because some , uh, gasp...........lesbians have moved into the neighborhood and they're causin a LOT of trouble. That's right folks - trouble right here in river city...and that starts with T and that rhymes with C and that stands for carpet-munchers. I'm sorry....I shouldn't have said that because I got no's just funny. These girls put down $3000.00 sod in their rental yard - which why would you do that anyway? But they did and they don't want the ghetto kids running all over it and /or perpetrating whatever crimes they've dreamt up in their $3000 yard. Now why this is so GREATLY upset to these people in the hood is absolutely beyond me. Believe me, I had my share of trouble with these fucking people when I moved in this shithole. Kids wouldn't stop riding their fucking bikes through my flower beds and it ended up in a 3 car visit from the police. SO......I have felt their pain.
Anyway, I digress...........the jackholes that live behind me are still pushing their vendetta against my goats. They're still trying to make me get rid of my babies. I got an "official " letter in the mail that could have been written by my six year old, it was so unprofessional. In fact, I fear that I have insulted my six year old and her writing skills by saying such a thing as she is way better than that. They told me that I have violated the zoning regulations by raising a goat herd. Well, I've been through all this before thanks to the pustulating sore on satan's ass that is my neighbor. They have called everyone that they can think of and so far, I have been deemed to be sitting on the right side of the law. I am not running a commercial farm. Now they are trying to say that I have too many goats for this piece of land, even though there is nothing in the zoning regulations that addresses that. Still, I am NOT breeding goats to sell. This is STILL NOT a commercial farm. And those jackholes do not get to make up the rules as they go along. They are threatening to bring this to the attention of the County Attorney. Woooooooo! I am so scared that I have been continually been leaking fecal matter since I got their letter. Well, guess what bitches! I'm going to bring it to his attention first. I do realize that no one in this neighborhood with the exception of 3 or 4 of my neighbors, no one in this county, in this city , in this state, country or internet, would be on my side. I mean, I realize that there aren't too many people in the world who have goats for back yard pets. People just don't care about goats. I didn't until I got them. (for "got" read - "inherited" them.)When properly cared for, goats don't stink. They don't make a lot of noise except at dinner time. Which isn't, let me tell ya, at two in the fucking morning, unlike what many of the damn dogs in this neighborhood seem to think. The goats don't start up their trucks, boats, campers, lawn mowers and blow out noxious fumes all over the place - unlike some inconfuckingsiderate people in this neighborhood. They don't start fires in the backyard and choke everyone within a ten mile radius. They fertilize the hell out of my lawn and make great compost, which if some of these dumb bastards realized, they would be bringing goats in by the truckloads. (Bunch of grass worshipping douchebags. ) My goats are great companions and entertainers, which again, if people knew this, they would be saving a lot of money. But hey - what the fuck do I know? I'm just a stupid redneck with nine happy goats in her backyard minding her own damn business. I hate assholes.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

The No Name Post

There are quite a few interesting phenomena on the internet. Look at "Fuck You, Penguin". Every time I read "Fuck You, Penguin" I almost have to have CPR from laughing so hard. To use one of FUP's phrases - "Ho. Lee. Shit." FUP - I don't know who you are, but I am not fucking worthy. (I'm trying though, so watch out!)
Check out Dooce - capable of verbally flattening Jabba the Hut with a single sentence if she so desires. She is as sharp as Twister's horns. I don't really recommend trying to find out how sharp that is. You can be reading one of her posts and then all of the sudden, she just fucking t-bones you with some remark about Mormons or something. Heather - I think you've elevated yourself to "Shit Ass Ho Fuckingbadass." (Of course, it's not like I think you read this. Laughing, just thinking about that. P.S. Shit Ass Ho Fuckingbadass is actually the title she gave to her husband - he's a S.A.H.F. )
Not Afraid to Use it. She cracks me up, she is so damn funny - what is she not afraid to use? Total snark? Baaaaaad words? I personally love her reference to other moms she meets. (Finally - a kindred spirit in the mom department. ) I always feel like I'm Judy Miller when I'm around other moms. (Watch Still Standing on Lifetime channel to get this one.)
Now we come to the gist of this post. It must be said that I have tried to curb my affection for using profanity as I've been assured that nothing says, nee' screams, "I'm loser, white trash" like jestingly calling your friend/co-worker/partner-in-crime 'Beeeyotch'" by a surgeon with whom I frequently work. (Uh - beyotch - that's not even a bad word, is it?) No, I didn't childishly ask him who appointed him chief of the profanity police. Okay! I was tempted - Whatever!! I'm of two minds on that whole thing .(Like I even have one mind.) He asked me if I wanted people to see me as being "that" kind of person. (Huh?) Was I aware of what kind of impression that made on people? (Hopefully the one that says "Don't fuck with me.") Just how serious is this? Do I really care what "these" people think of my vocabulary? You know, maybe he's right. Maybe I shouldn't sort of take pride in the fact that I have certain "Dooce/FUP/NATUI characteristics. Maybe I'm not being an adult. YEAH - RIGHT!!!! Many people/phenomena slide into their day, their blog, your feeds, by getting their snark on. To be honest, where I work , snark makes the day go by more quickly AND enjoyably. I don't think that it means that you look in the dictionary under snark or white trash and it has pictures of me and my co-workers or any of the other people utilizing the humorous qualities afforded by wielding a little (or a lot) of snark. There are entire blogs based on it - take away snark and there's nothing left but a bunch of a's, and's and the's. Do I want my mom to look on my blog and see the word "fuck" looming out at her? Should she really know that I think that a lot of moronic posers on Twitter apparently think their shit doesn't stink but that's okay because a lot people really are on there to establish a pleasant internet countenance? Not really, but I don't think she'd fall apart.(She didn't fall apart when I bumped my head on the sharp corner of a shelf in that shoe store a few years ago.) She would abstain from reading the blog which is what people who are offended by snark and it's bad little word friends should do. I don't think that someone's seriousness about their purpose is necessarily reflected in their vocabulary. Sometimes I scream " Well fuck ME!" and I'm totally serious.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Are You Vacationing this Summer?

You could give a child from New York City a vacation instead of going out of town. Sort of like "taking a trip and never leaving the farm". It's a thought.

(Thanks to Jim Stafford for one of my all time favorite song lyrics from "The Wildwood Weed".)

Monday, April 20, 2009

And this.....just in from Kirtsy! Action..........

Ya gotta love it! Be sure and check out their website

Sunday, April 19, 2009

Sometimes a Girl's Gotta Do What a Girl's Gotta Do......

Okay, I"m looking at the bra's and I turned around to discover that Rachel had availed herself of one of the bras at the end of the row. I'm sure she just did that because it was there and the lights were bright in Target. And I'm sure someday she'll forgive me for posting this on my blog some day too.

How to Get From a Reel Mower to an Organic Market in One Day

Okay, so here is what's happening on the ranch. It's been beautiful, no rain - until today! I was going to finish mowing the lawn today and work in the flower beds, but apparently that ain't gonna happen. I am however, the proud new owner of a reel mower - YES! - no gasoline, no oil, just arms and legs! Woo hoo! Just another step toward lightening our ecological footprint. Of course, I do realize that losing about 80 pounds would definitely lighten my footprint, but (snort, snort) all things in good time. Actually, Alex and I went to the Union Street Market Friday and enjoyed a really wonderful organic, vegetarian lunch. We are still enjoying some of the bread we bought too - excellent Ezekiel and whole wheat bread baked by the owners. The Union Street Market is a really amazing place. I found it through Local Harvest and decided I HAD to go there that day. You can place an order for anything they have up to and including any ingredients with which they cook. You can email a grocery list by Wednesday night and Friday you can pick it up - Voila - you have wonderfully fresh, organic food for your tummy. I had the Oven Baked Peanut Butter Tofu , Marinated Kale Greens and a freshly baked whole wheat yeast roll. I started out with a very tasty salad of mixed greens with little grape tomatoes, sprouts, grated beets and carrots and because I couldn't decide, Robbie - one of the owners - brought me both the creamy dill and the blueberry vinaigrette to top it all off. I still can't decide - they're both awesome. Last but not least is the exquisite blueberry sorbet that was so good Alex had to have another dish just to be sure. Robbie and Coleman, the owners immediately made us feel welcome with their warm personalities and a sample of their Kombucha tea. Although it's not for everyone, everyone should at least try it once. Good for the digestion.
All in all, it was totally worth the hour long drive, especially since I got to
cruise back through one of the towns I lived in when I was a kid. Needless to say, that part was a lot more fun for me than it was for my 18 year old. The verdict - I would definitely go back - to eat AND to pick up my groceries. The Van Goats would totally love it.

Monday, April 13, 2009

Can Goats Garden? I Don't Think So.....

Things are looking kind of bleak for the garden this year after a good beginner's attempt at organic vegetable gardening last year. Last year was the ground-breaker (pun intended) for growing our own food instead of just flowers and herbs, and it was so exciting to bring peppers, carrots and tomatoes straight from the garden to the kitchen. I didn't have to worry about what kind of dressing the lettuce might already be wearing because I knew it was naked except for a little bit of dirt and the occasional nibble mark. I want that feeling again (and I want the taste of those vegetables again!) and I've been thinking about it since I picked the last tomato, but now I'm not sure if I'll be able to do the whole gardening thing this year and I'm kinda bummed. I've gardened since I moved into this house in 2006 (okay - there were a few earlier, pitiful attempts prior to 2006) and it has been a source of joy and excellent therapy, but last year's garden moved into a whole 'nother dimension. Let's face it - you cannot dig in the garden after having a hip replacement - anybody will tell you that, up to and including the rabbits that try to eat the lettuce. I saw a man lying on the walkway in front of his house the other day, and I was like," holy shit - dude fell and he can't get up!! Wait! Dude fell and can't get up, so he decided to pass the time until someone finds him weeding the flower bed. Damn - now that's a real man." Then I realized that it could be me lying on the sidewalk weeding the flower bed in the not too distant future. I know the Van Goats would be willing to help me, but they don't know a pansy from a pepper and they'd just eat everything anyway.

Thursday, April 9, 2009

I May Not be Normal, but I Would Still Like to be Me.

Well, after recuperating at my sister's house for 5 weeks, I'm back home with my kids, the Van Goats and their kids. I have missed being here with my kids more than I can say, but after the first 10 arguments, I sort of started remembering how much I enjoyed the peace and quiet at my sister's house. Yikes - I thought they would at least wait 24 hours before trying to out smart -ass each other. I'm such a boob! As if! My entire existence felt like it was turned upside down when I had a hip replacement - I thought that at the very least I would get a modicum of respect after having half my ass sawed off. How's that for being egotistical? Life goes on - I've learned now that nothing changes that no matter how earth- shaking an event may seem. I just wish that I felt like life is really going on - I still feel like life is going on without me. I'm ready to feel like my normal self again - whatever that is.

Monday, April 6, 2009

In MY dreams.......

I have missed my Van Goats so much since I've been recuperating at my sister's house after the surgery, that I have started dreaming about them every night. I know - very strange. Yesterday I went home and spent some quality time with them and it was the closest thing that I've felt in a really long time. I was afraid that they had forgotten me or didn't love me anymore, but my fears were unfounded. Vanessa, of course, had to give me the cold shoulder for a few minutes, but she got over it. Little Lily and Pixie came running up to me for rubbies and Twister is still a bitch. I'm happy that I can still remember the days when she wasn't. I went with a little present for Vincent - a new collar since he outgrew his old one. A goat with such a strong propensity for extreme orneriness needs some type of device besides horns for grabbage. I bought him one of those nice very strong ones that has the big slippy closure (see - I can be really technical when I want to be.) and it's made of that really strong stuff - I dunno, nylon maybe? Anyhoo, he checked it out, I put it on him and he strutted around for about 15 minutes before trying to make it with Twister again. Wow - that almost never happens.

This is Vincent Van Goat saying......

Originally uploaded by lr4rr

Oh yeah, I'm a stud... and I'm fixin to tap THAT!

And this is Twister saying.....

Originally uploaded by lr4rr

In YOUR big pig!

Not so secretly, they're really hot for each other.

Friday, April 3, 2009

You can wear your hair any way you want on the ranch......

This is a picture of my little pixie after she got her hair cut today - happy as a clam she was. I have to admit I was overcome when I saw her. She made me sit out in the waiting area because she's a big girl now and when she came running out to show me her do I was beside myself. To state the obvious, she looks absolutely adorable with that hair cut (of course I'm not biased - she is totally working that do!) The other reason is that it makes me happy that she is not afraid to be different from all the other chicklets. I have noticed that these days, GIRLZ DO NOT WEAR THEIR HAIRS SHORT. (I know - it's incredible how observant I am. ) It's not that I think they should or anything - I think everyone should their hair the way they want to and to hell with what everyone else thinks. Having been married to two men who were obnoxious in their preference to long hair, this is one soapbox in particular that compels me to pull out my stepladder and haul my fat ass on up. I don't have anything against lesbians - one of my best friends is a lesbian- but I cannot freakin stand a man who is so insecure in his own manhood that he has to call a woman with a short haircut a dyke as punishment for having the audacity to wear a hairstyle he doesn't like. No less offensive - well maybe just a titch less offensive - is a man who withholds affection because he is displeased that his woman has knowingly gone out and flown in the face of his wishes and gotten the wrong do. Do freakin hoo! No really, please do not grow some balls and be happy to be with a woman who wears her hair to please herself and is her own person. Of course, everybody knows that the real reason why men want women to have long hair is so that they can have something to yank her head back with in the middle of sex. You know, like " By God, I'll make you scream one way or another - makes no difference to me."

My daughter, even at the tender of age of 6, has never been afraid to march to the beat of her own drummer. I admire and respect that about her and I pray that it never changes. Sometimes I have fears about her refusal to go along with the crowd. What if they are mean to her - shah - like there's a chance they won't be. Some of the things those kids say to each other makes my ass crawl. Some of those little girls are so critical about every little thing- I'm talking brutal. I've been there when she's barely gotten through the door of her classroom and some little girl has something to say about what she's wearing because it doesn't conform to what she feels is appropriate. What the hell is that all about? Well it's not like some adults don't feed the monster . I took her one place to get her hair cut and she wanted to get it cut short. The stylist refused to cut it short because she was afraid the other kids would make fun of her. Tip? Here's your tip, miss hairspray 2009 - put the top up on your convertible when it rains.
I tried before today's haircut to see what her perspective on the hair length issue was. "Sweetie, do you know anyone that has a short haircut?" "Yes - Cooper does. I could look like him. " Well that's good enough for me.

You know, it should be said that all of the Van Goats have short hair - even the girls. Hell - some of the girls even have beards and their men apparently still think they are HOT. Sometimes the backyard looks like "Goats Gone Wild - Raunchy Ranch Edition."

Thursday, April 2, 2009

Death by Farm Frenzy

My sister, Bibi, introduced me to the Yahoo game, Farm Frenzy 2, thereby leading me to the conclusion that she is evil and should probably be cast out of our family. I stayed up til 3:30 this morning playing this stupid game even though, having taken a Benadryl and a pain pill (no I don't have a drug problem - I had a total hip replacement a month ago and rehab is rough sometimes.)I sat there obsessively watering the grass for the cows, chickens, and pigs, upgrading my farm equipment and making bacon until I couldn't even keep my eyes open. I was literally falling asleep and still moving the mouse. WTF is up with that? Don't they know what they do to people?Like Twitter and don't suck enough time out of my life. Once you get started you can't stop - it sucks you in like an F-5 tornado sucks up cows. So, I'm just warning you - stay away from the tornado - don't chase it to take pictures. Get the hell away from it! But in case you have a strange fixation on tornadoes, here's the link: death by Farm Frenzy 2. (Btw laptop users, a mouse makes this game about 50 times more fun. Before I got mine I was only staying up til midnight.)

Wednesday, April 1, 2009


Have you seen these goats?

Gus Van Goat

Twister Van Goat

These two goats are wanted in connection with a crime committed in the southeastern Tennessee area. It seems a mother and her two children had observed unexplained, repeated flooding in their backyard. On various occasions, the mother or one of the children would go in their backyard or look out the window only to see water standing in the backyard and the garden hose running with no one having turned on the water. This continued on for several months until finally one day the son observed one Twister Van Goat turning the water faucet on with her nose while her son Gus stood watch. Unfortunately, there were no security cameras on the property , but the two goats were clearly caught in the act. Twister and Gus immediately fled the premises and their whereabouts are not known at this time. It is a known fact that they are both armed, but usually not dangerous. Of course, when backed into a corner, all bets are off.

P.S. This is a totally true story, however Twister and Gus are not on the lam - they are residing happily in their yard where they receive two square meals a day (hay in the morning and feed in the evening) and all the water they can drink.